Thursday, May 17, 2007

Lemmings. In Escalades. Splendid.

Well, thank God the age of the SUV is grinding to a halt. I hate the damn things. And, to be honest, I think less of people who drive them. I assume that they're assholish blowhards, and more often than not, I'm right.

"But I like to have an SUV to go off-road."

Bullshit. There's no way in hell you bought (or, more likely, leased) that thing for a staggering amount of money with plans to drag it through forests or over rough terrain. I mean, really. Come on. You're the same person who panics at the very notion of a gentle nudge from a grocery cart. A door ding? Perish the thought and alert the media! If it's simple 4-wheel-drive capability you're after, buy a Subaru. But you know (and I know) that the wildest challenge that SUV will ever encounter is the unpaved landscape of a suburban soccer field parking lot.

"My SUV seats 437 full-size adults. I need that kind of roominess."

No, you don't. You might pack in a crowd once a year. Twice, at most. I'll bet good money that 99.9% of the SUV's on the road never have more than five people in them, maximum. And of those five, some of them are most likely children. Sorry to break it to you, but that staggering mass of humanity could fit into a Chevy Cavalier quite nicely. Just sayin'.

"I bought my SUV as an investment in the American Auto industry."

Good for you, cowboy. I'll do my best to ignore the many import SUVs on the road. I'll even suspend my knowledge that many of the domestic parts are made overseas. I'll just applaud you as you fill that sucker with boatloads of American gas and drive around on American roads to the American MegaSuperStore and in other pointless American circles to amuse your American self.

"I wanted an SUV for safety reasons."

Well, sweet cheeks, the main thing it has going for it, safety-wise, is its sheer size. But eventually you'll run into an even bigger SUV, because there will always be a bigger SUV. Believe me - it's the American way. Besides, how safe can it be if you can't see out of the damn thing without a super-special camera to navigate as you reverse.

Be honest. You bought that thing because you wanted to appear bad-ass, affluent, or (*gag*) extreme. Or because everybody else has one. Or because, dammit, you felt you deserved to be King of the Road. Just cut the hot-air excuses. Your behemoth already puts enough smog out there, and it doesn't need your help.

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